serendipitious.

LKeay — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 01:39:11 +0000

what happens when watching countless american sitcoms on your laptop becomes the norm? do your bones rot as you refuse to move? do your clothes smell because you haven’t re-applied deodorant? does your hair grow long and straggly? do you get thin because you don’t eat? does your body get frail and weak as the unused muscles erode away?

i think it does. i think your teeth rot away and your breath turns acidic with gas sent up from your stomach when it makes its empty growls.

wanting this forever.

LKeay — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 22:56:28 +0000

it’s the indifference that gets me. always is. the lack of emotion that people manage to show even though they’re hurting inside. you want something you have to try for it, you have to try hard. harder than i’ve seen many people do.

now that picture represents to me a real longing. a place that is beautiful and one i link the most amazing memories with. not many people can say they have spent three weeks in Oz exploring the sights and playing netball with their school friends. i need to embrace the shit i’ve done. not forget about it in case it reminds me of my past too much.

reasons to be.

LKeay — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 01:08:07 +0000

it was the second i sat down on my bed that the tears came. and god i’m hungry but is there anything i want in this house? no. and tea seems too much of an effort right now. so i stuck on Desperate Housewives and tried to suck it down. i got a text from my mum & after twenty minutes i decided it was her voice i needed to hear but when i called her it went straight to her answer phone. so i left her a message and i think the way my voice cracked as i spoke probably gave away how i’m feeling tonight.

i feel lost, like i’m out at sea without any reason. i feel useless, insignificant and small. i have no reason to get up any mornings other than Tuesday & Thursday and no reason to leave my room for anything other than lectures. i hate what is happening to me. i need a reason to leave the flat everyday, a purpose to my life. something that’s anything more than this.

the door is wide open.

LKeay — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 21:44:31 +0000

an emotional breakdown, no matter the size, can come at any time. it can the be sticky keys when you’re typing that cause you to make spelling errors. the messy kitchen that you didn’t dirty. the feeing that you’re never quite putting enough effort in. any time.

but the thing to remember is that you don’t have to go through it alone. you can cling onto your friends as if they were you life raft, for that is what they are.

“we lost faith, oh, in the arms of love“

they are the ones who choose to be in your life. the ones who go out of their way to see you, to love you, to spend time with you. for god’s sake if nothing else just let them try and take care of you. i’m slowly learning how to do it myself and it’s like learning to breathe again. every breath is new and fresher when shared with someone else.

drama.

LKeay — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 14:21:21 +0000

life got hard again this week. there is no real reason I’m just unhappy. I don’t trust the people around me anymore & I feel I need time on my own but.. that’s also not what I want. I miss my friends from home. my best friend, who I could always go and see for a while. I miss being able to go to her house and just do nothing. It has always made me feel so complete. I don’t feel whole without her here.

2011 stats.

LKeay — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 17:58:03 +0000

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 5,200 times in 2011. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

LKeay — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 12:21:23 +0000

last night made me feel good. i hated that i got left on my own but i saw countless people i know, spread out time there. Missoula was packed so that’s a good sign. i got enough attention to feel wanted but not pressured. tired of being shunned by guys once they know i have a boyfriend though.

more later.

table cloth.

LKeay — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 13:12:26 +0000

so you spend money you didn’t have in the first place on a game you promised you wouldn’t buy. then we fight, because that’s what we do when we’re separate. and now you’re not coming to see me. but it’s fine, i will drive to you because i could actually be bothered to learn. i don’t have any money, i had to take money from Deb’s purse just to get my sister to Kelvedon on Monday. and if you can’t afford it now surely you wont be able to after new years? so much for coming to see my awards evening.

i feel sick. and it’s ruining the day. i need to leave the house, take a breath, get out of here. it hurts.

and now i’m in the shed crying and i feel so lonely. i had such a great day yesterday, in fact all my days have been good so far but this morning i’m struggling and it feels like i’m doing it on my own. best go find my phone, i need my best friend some more.

LKeay — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 12:13:37 +0000

“so here you go, you finally get a song about you on the radio. are you happy now that you broke me down? now I curse the day that I met you. I hope you know this song is about you, this is no mistake, yes I meant to. I hope you know this song is about you, about you.“

the last few days have been mixed.

i’ve got things rattling around in my head but .. today is my Dad’s christmas with us. Deb, Elly-Rose, Josh, my Dad and Sorch. long.

backwards.

LKeay — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 23:30:28 +0000

“we loot the skies in hopes of finding our salvation out here. forever wanting, ever searching, never knowing, leaving stars across the universe.”

“and maybe love is just a virus in a machine.”

and i’m so lucky to have ended up here. i have the most amazing housemates. they’re more than i ever could have expected. & now i’m living here next year too and i feel safe in the knowledge they want me here too.

“and you don’t know now but you’re finding out. we don’t know now but you’re finding out. light speed into the night.“

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwcjK7Rci-I

give it a listen and see who it is. even if just one person listens it’ll be enough. it makes me tingle.

“and now time stands still & you know full well just what you’re doing here.

i feel satisfied by this post. like i sound like me again. i lost my truth a while back but i think i found it again.

pleasure seekers, finding feelings or living out our time.”